#It's self inking do you--

[inkskinned]

even 2 years ago people still said autism with a whisper. it was also how people sometimes whisper lesbian, like they're afraid of uttering a slur. autistic was either an insult or it was something terrible, a horrible burden only select people endure. "select people" were usually 9 year old boys and skinny white men.

they are not hispanic young adults with a dog and a life and friends. i can make (sustained, calculated, painful) eye contact. with certain people, i don't even have to count how many seconds i am holding their vision - i can just look at them. i can wear clothes that bother me, i will just have a worse day than usual. i might cry about any changes to my schedule - but change is scary! this is normal!

when i was 16 it was OCD. i mean that was the thing everyone said. i totally have ocd. they would arrange 6 colors of gel pen in rainbow order (no worry for indigo feeling left out) and they'd be "so ocd" about it.

if you struggle with intrusive thoughts, be careful at this next paragraph, but. at 16 i developed a compulsion that involved self-harm. my ocd was convinced i was simply forgetting that i'd hurt someone terribly - a thought that persisted for no clear or delineated reason.

at some point i will probably write about how the idea of "morally pure thoughts" was hell for me and others with ocd, but this was the odd dichotomy for many of us: they liked our "aesthetic", but were genuinely repulsed by our lived experience. "intrusive thoughts" now means "cutting your hair in the sink" instead of talking yourself down from believing horrible things. "so ocd" is a label without any true understanding.

it's something i've talked about before - in multiplicity - but i firmly believe in the veracity and necessity of self-diagnosis. i think it saves lives and it saves tragedies from occurring. as someone raised in a house that wasn't safe, self-diagnosis was, for many years, the only viable option. 15 and honestly googling: am i depressed or are there demons affecting my behavior.

but it is not genuine self-diagnosis anymore, most of the time. it is a strange, blanched version of that whispered word autism. now certain traits are constantly seen as "autistic" - any passing intense interest. any flubbed social interaction. people say it while laughing - a touch of the 'tism.

and i like the acceptance! i do. i like that people are talking about it. i like that if i self-identify, more people speak up and say me too, bitch. but there is something-else quietly happening, the way it happened to OCD. the quirky, "fun" parts have been washed and sanitized and removed of all suffering. now it is just something that makes you "a little bit silly."

it took me 27 years on this planet before i learned to make friends. something about me just seems incredibly odd, i guess, some kind of radiation monitoring. someone once (in a way that was almost friendly) told me i am doing the right things, but in a way that's off-putting. i have scoured myself raw attempting to be charming.

someone on tiktok does a deep dive into their particular passion. the top comment says "what kind of autism is this lol". like we are a breed of animal. like it has no influence on our experience. like our life is a fresh breeze, an open meadow.

more often for me, life was a drowning.

[thebookquotes]

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose."

Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

[arylleth]

A friend once told me that the secret to finding love was not to actually look for it, but to heal the things that were preventing you from seeing and receiving it. I think the biggest one of all is, “What will having this love fix?” What will having this person next to me make me feel better about? What do I need them to tell me? What do I need them to prove? Who do I need them to look great in front of? What purpose do they serve for my ego?

[yeehawpim]

wwwo oc painting the sword of the citadel!

The Wizard Smile

paints propaganda murals and portraits by day and creates children's books by night

wrote and cast a spell that erased all visual representation of themselves in retaliation to pictures of themselves existing without consent

the public facing reason to the spell being cast is that they would rather the heroes of the empire they paint to be remembered rather than their own face

[yungluv16]

let yourself be loved again.

[summerlimeismethebrony]

[Image Description: an 11-panel comic page on paper in which Laurice Deauxnim/Larry Butz and Maya Fey from Ace Attorney sit side-by-side. Laurice has tight posture and an uncomfortable look on his face, while Maya is looking around in an uninterested manner; a large textbox labeled "Waiting for Nick" points at the two of them. Laurice looks over at Maya with a sidelong glance, grimacing. Laurice turns away, asking: "...Do you hate me?" Maya bursts out: "WHAT? Why would I hate you?!" ["What" is in all caps to indicate volume.] Laurice flinches away from the outburst. Laurice begins to explain, saying: "Elise", but cutting himself off and shaking his head, starting again with a downcast expression: "Your mom was my mentor." ["Your mom" is underlined to indicate emphasis.] Maya leans forward on her hands and tilts her head in confusion. Laurice continues, waving his hand in the air: "Like, she taught me how to be a better person, to— to grow up, y'know?" Laurice looks back at Maya, his palm toward her, with tears in his eyes, and says: "But you... She was your mom, and you never got that." ["mom" is underlined to indicate emphasis.] Maya looks at Laurice with concern, as he says: "I wouldn't blame you, if you hated me." End Image Description]

I think they should be allowed a Real Conversation, actually

(And some close-ups, bc I forgot just how energy-intensive making a comic page is, and I ended up working really hard on this messy, self-indulgent little comic)

[mellblogss]

How do I know if he really cares about me?

[creatingnikki]

I am lonely. An honest thought on a mundane Wednesday after dinner.

I miss him. Now that we are being honest, might as well admit the feeling that has been blooming and withering throughout my body since the last few evenings.

I will live a better life. A promise to be kept to myself, it's only the third of January; it's not time to forget our loyalties to ourself.

[revasserium]

write. it doesn't have to be good, it doesn't even have to be a story. write a sentence, a fragment, a phrase, a thought. write something. write anything. write.

and be proud of yourself that you did.

[pastelaspirations]

Does ink has disorder of any kind?

I assume this is related to Ink in Perseverance lol. Okay, s o. I tend to write Ink with some tendencies that I have because it's easier to write more realistic depictions of things if I draw from my own life as inspiration lmao. As such, the only thing I am confident saying he has is social anxiety, as that is the only thing that I'm officially diagnosed with.

That said, I've seen people comment that he displays depressive tendencies, as well as having vivid flashbacks and tends to dissociate as what is sometimes typical of PTSD. Since I mostly write these things based off of personal experience, I am hesitant to say he has these things lol, especially since "mental health testing" doesn't exist in my world as much.

Does that mean he doesn't have them?? E e e e h h. Let's just say the only thing I am 100% sure in saying he has is social anxiety✧˖°.

[madmonologues]

You are her mother. Why did you not warn her, hold her like a rotting boat and tell her that men will not love her if she is covered in continents, if her teeth are small colonies, if her stomach is an island if her thighs are borders? What man wants to lie down and watch the world burn in his bedroom? Your daughter’s face is a small riot,

[madness-of-void]

Chapter 2 is here!!! Enjoy!

NEW TAGS ADDED: Self-Loathing, Crepic mention, inner conflict, Anxiety Attacks

[usefulquotes7]

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose." Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

[starmonsterrr]

day 1: warmup

Yesterday i had to do an event for a roblox game (creeturs of sonarfreakingnaiararia, S stands for "super grindy") but I'M GONNA CATCH UP

I was originally gonna do something different for the warmup but i got this hilarious idea

[ladyyatexel]

Hanbee Abara just deciding to dedicate every facet of his life to Juuzou Suzuya fucking gets me in the guts, okay?

[ajwild220]

"Rescue me softly"

Sidekick has been captured and tortured by Villain. What happens when Hero comes to the rescue. Fluff, that's what happens. Sidekick x hero

Warnings: Blood, restrained sidekick, mentions of torture (whipping) not graphic, hero being too cute.

The pole Sidekick was chained to was warm. The wood took on her body heat as her front was forced to hug it. The wood had soaked up her sweat and was stained red with blood, not all of it hers. Whipping poles told stories soaked into the fibers, she thought blearily, stories stained red. She swallowed, her throat was raw and bruised, and the cuts on her back smarted. Her simple white shirt had been ripped open in the back and the tatters were now crimson all along the sides where the fabric met her skin. A shudder went down her spine as she felt a trickle of blood flow down to be soaked up by her waistband. Torture had never been Sidekick's strong suit; her stomach for blood was little, an odd trait for a sidekick, but she was of the lesser variety, so it was unusual for her to be out on the field like this. Apparently, information was just as deadly as having extraordinary powers. When Villain had found her, he had wanted to know all about the big heroic plan, she hadn’t told him, she paid in screams, in agony, in blood.

Steps echoed in the hallway and Sidekick unintentionally flinched, groaning to herself, another round of torture, it was going to get worse. She shifted uneasily on her feet, tucking her sweaty head in between the pole and her bound arm hiding her eyes from her impending doom. Keep her mind safe from looking on Villain’s violent face if even for just a moment, keep him from seeing the fear she knew he would see for a second longer.  The footsteps were louder now, just outside the door of the underground chamber, Sidekick braced herself for the inevitable. The door opened. She held her breath as the creaking hinges heralded in a pair of footsteps and creaked shut once more. Body tense, she waited for him to approach, waited for the pain; but it never came.

“Sidekick?”

Sidekick’s body froze, that was not Villains voice. She couldn’t dare to hope, she lifted her head swiftly trying to crane her neck to see behind her, wincing as she did so but she wouldn’t stop.

“Hero? Hero is that you?” her voice cracked still horse from its use and laced with desperation. “Hero let me see you, ow” her struggle pulled at the wounds on her skin. “Let me see you, please.” Her breathing was quick, what if this was a trick? What if it wasn’t really him? But his voice sounded again as he rushed into her line of sight.

“It’s me, it’s ok sidekick, it’s me. I’m here.” And there he was, dirty blond hair tousled, and dark eyebrows furrowed as he took in her predicament. “Oh sidekick…it’s ok, I’m so sorry, I’m here now.”

“Hero?” Sidekick’s eyes were filling with tears as she tried to force herself to turn more towards him the chains biting into her wrists, “it’s you.”

He moved closer eyes trying not to focus on her marred skin. “It’s me, it’s me don’t try to move, I’m right here.” He rested a hand on her cheek wiping away one of the tears that had fallen. She leaned into the touch and her words were choked, “you came.”

“I did” he stroked her cheek and set down the medical bag he carried in his other hand, “Hold still sweetheart I’m going to get you out of here.”

“But Villain—”

“He’s being taken care of; Superhero is here with me.”

Sidekick nodded and pushed her face harder into Hero’s palm trapping it between her cheek and shoulder, the need for him to be close and that was the only way to accomplish it.

With her face turned away Hero took a moment to examine her injuries, they looked painful, and he winced for her. “I’m here to get you out, but only after I get a signal from Supervillain, he said it wouldn’t be for an hour or so most likely.”

She nodded against his still trapped palm; he could tell she was still choked up probably from the pain as well as his presence.

“Oh sidekick…let’s get you out of here.”

“Ok” the reply was very small, very hopeful.

“I need my hand back, just for a minute then you can have it back.”

Reluctantly she complied, allowing him to remove his hand from her face and walk around the pole to where her hands were chained. She could feel his hands on her chaffed wrists as he examined the cuffs. “If I remove these, can you stand?”

She tested not using the cuffs as support before replying. “I think so”

“Alright then, I’m going to take them off.” Small clicking sounds reverberated throughout the dungeon and the cuffs fell, she sighed in relief as the heavy iron was removed from her skin even if her wrists stung a little, she went to rub some circulation back, but he caught her hands, “Your wrists are bleeding, don’t touch them with your hands they might get infected.” Sidekick groaned with displeasure but obeyed, keeping herself upright as he came back to her side of the pole once more. Hero seemed ready to catch her “you sure you can stand?”

“Mm shaky but I can prove it to you.” Her words were slightly run together like they took a lot of effort. She took two steps towards him and flung herself into his arms, her arms tucked securely behind his neck as she buried her face in him. The one person she feared she would never see again, her Hero. His comforting smell enveloped her, the pleasure and the pain were too much, and she began to cry. Villain hadn’t been permitted to see her tears, but she shared them freely with Hero, with him she was safe.

Hero could feel the sobs wracking through sidekicks’ body. They were almost enough to break his heart. Exhaustion was evident on his sidekick as she clung to him. He wanted to support her, but he didn’t know where to put his hands. So much of her back was hurt, bleeding. Slowly, he hooked an arm under hers and around to rest on the back of her neck, the other on her waist near the base of her back, pulling her into him so he could support more of her weight. “shhh It’s gonna be ok.” His hand that was on her neck began to softly stroke her hair.

“It’s ok sidekick, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” She pressed her face into his neck, he could feel the cold wetness of her tears on his skin. They remained like that for several minutes, sidekick crying and Hero gently stroking her hair, offering some comfort.

When Sidekick began to still, body quieting from all the crying, Hero kissed the top of her head.

“Hey” He pulled back just enough to get a better look at her face she did the same

“I gotta clean you up.” Her head went back to hide in his neck.

“Hey!” he smiled as she purposely hid. Hero’s voice dipped quiet again, “You’re bleeding on my hand, and I know that your back has to hurt. Let me bandage it please.”

No answer. “Please Sidekick?”

He knew she was tired, could feel how much she was leaning against him. He felt her words rumble into his neck. “What was that darling?” so so soft.

“Maybe they just heal on their own.” Hero couldn’t help but smile at the tone of voice sidekick used, a tone that gave permission. “Maybe I help you.”

Sidekick shifted lower leaning against him more heavily as she listened to his heartbeat, a moment went by as she gathered the courage to speak up. “It hurts.”

He pulled her closer, “I know, let’s get you cleaned up.”

She offered no resistance as he guided her to a cleanish-looking corner and transferred her from leaning on him to leaning on the wall. Her feet wobbled beneath her as she watched him grab his bag, he pulled out a thin blanket and laid it on the floor in front of her. He offered a hand for her to take, “Will you lie down on your stomach?” Sidekick nodded as he helped her down, wincing terribly. Shakily she folded her arms under her head a small cry leaving her mouth as the action pulled on the lashes. Sidekick tried to control her breathing as the pain spiked. “Sorry-Sorry”

“It’s ok, I know it hurts.” Hero knelt by her shoulder purposely letting his knee touch her shoulder as he unzipped his bag, some form of physical touch to keep her grounded.

“Cry out if you need to,” he paused, looking down at the tense line of her shoulders.

“Hey, sidekick,” his hand gently touched her shoulder, drifted to trace the outline of her ear, finally stroking her cheek all in one fluent motion. “You hear me down there?”

He saw her take a breath biting her lip. All adrenaline seemed to be gone from her system. Her words were all choked. “It really hurts now Hero.”

The furrow in his brows grew deeper as he found some pain pills and a water bottle in the first aid bag. “Pop some pills for me huh?” He reached down trying to hand them to her, but she turned her head. “I’m gonna choke.”

“You won’t choke, just take them.”

She shook her head against her forearms, voice almost desperate now. It seems the pain had finally caught up. “Gonna choke.”

Heros dark eyes flicked over his sidekick in worry, “You feel like you’re gonna puke?”

A grumbled ‘no’ was the only answer he received. Without a word he uncapped the bottle and leaned down closer. “Small sip.”

“I don’t want to.”

His answer was soft but firm, he knew her. “Hey, not a question, small sip for me.” Thankfully the order got through and she obeyed, slowly, but she lifted her head just enough to drink and accept the pills he offered, swallowing roughly before placing her head back down still looking up at him.

He talked to keep her mind on him as he steadily unpacked the necessary things from the heavy canvas bag. “Those pills won’t kick in for a little while. I’m sorry I didn’t know, or I would have brought something stronger. I’m going to—”

“You don’t usually bring the med bag with you on missions.”

“Huh?” his eyebrow quirked at her interruption as he set some unrolled gauze down on the blanket.

“How’d you know to bring it?” She coughed a little, voice horse.

He fiddled around almost avoiding the truth. “You know other hero?”

She nodded.

“When we got here twenty minutes ago, he told me.”

Sidekick didn’t mean to blush.

“He heard it all?”

“Yeah.”

Other Hero could hear a pin drop from miles away if he chose to, what had left sidekicks back in this shape was much louder than a pin drop. There was no shame in crying out when put in the agony that Villain had suscepted her to, but for some reason it was embarrassing. That her agony had been so on display. Even with her head tucked against her forearms Hero could see the blush already climbing up to the nape of her neck. He ignored it, changing the subject, taking his hand that was not already stained by her blood, and gently carding his fingers through her hair.

“I was worried about you.” He continued with his comforts. “I’m glad I made it. Don’t be embarrassed yeah? It’s just me.” Her head turned his hand never ceasing tracing her scalp. Her dark brown eyes silently peaking out to look at him.

“Just you?”

He smiled a small smile. “Just me.” And with that, he leaned down and placed a feather-light kiss on her cheek. “Let’s get you cleaned up, Darling.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you like it? Interested in part 2?